William Cowper

“Absence of occupation is not rest; a mind quite vacant is a mind distressed.”

"I've seen it all before"

Today's post goes out to Amos Lee. His song is inspiring my morning's thought. I find that music always lends me a great title, or a great sendoff for whatever thoughts I want to write. The beauty of a great song is its smooth delivery. Often times I find that words being written need that smooth delivery, too. They need a sweetness to them like beats can create for one measure. It is just a shame that the function of music won't transition into my life.
My move back to Arkansas was a broken note. I found the peace and tranquility of friends again, but I did not find the greatest peace. I still spend some days thinking of the coast. There is a gap wherever I am at, but none the size of my heart, which is acquiring enough water to drown out a needed peace I would love to feel. Moreover, the feeling I am mentally weighing will not subside unless I understand what it is.
In the last few days I have searched for what hurts the most. I have come up with several ideas that I will keep hidden for now. I do not want to use this blog as a diary for the innermost thoughts, rather I would use it for a way to reach a connection with those who might read it. With that said, I am confident that reasonable conclusions could be made from what little I have shared.
A clue though to this secret comes from the oldest truths in the universe: time. Time brings many people to conclusions that they either need to know, or do not want to believe. Time also functions as many other abstracts, but I will use it in these two contexts.
In my case, time has been leaving me little clues along the way which point to hard realities: I need to know that becoming a whole person means making mistakes, some devastating, which reveal their ugliness more later in your life than the present. I recently unpacked some decisions I have made in the past, which have brought many joyful gifts, but they have not been opened without pain. The drowning feeling I tread illuminates the immaturity of my youth. And I have a strong taste in my mouth against it. I wish that being eighteen did not come with many landmarks, namely what the next four years of your life had to be. I would not do anything differently from being eighteen, but I would have before that year.
Essentially, I will quote the lyric of my title to shed light on how I feel about many events in my life present and past. I suppose what brought these emotions on, were the revelations of why I am discontent here at times, and why I chronically feel the need to create new realities.
Today the freshmen are gathering around our campus. They are terrified and they are scared. But something tells me that the person on their right, or left will be a cornerstone person to them, whether they leave this weekend or stay forever. They are going to college for the first time, but they are also going to be living for the first time in many diverse conditions. And my only thought I had while watching them is, "Why are you here?"

So Long, Farewell.

My life has significantly transformed in the last few days. I cannot begin to describe the experiences I have had, but I will try my best. First, the catalyst for this eye-opening event started as an idea on the Seattle ferry. Cortney, my best friend, told me that I should come visit her in L.A. And with that said, I bought the ticket. I took this trip as a stop along the way to college. I took it for several reasons: I wanted to spend time with one of my best friends, and then I wanted to be able to have a relaxing time in one of the prettiest places on earth.
My time here has been too short. When I arrived, I immediately was greeted by five screaming boys. They were all running andjumping- but I am here to say that this behavior did not stop for the whole five days I was here. I would not consider myself the type to be a "babysitter" but after this experience that is all I want to do. It is odd to me that I got along so well with this family and so well with their boys, that I do not want to leave. I guess I have been feeling a little nervous as to where I am going to go this next year, and I have even been feeling a little anxious to go back to Arkansas, but I will, and I must. I know the people there are expecting me with arms of love, and I need to finish what I started. I just can't describe the overwhelming amounts of emotion. I don't want to leave this family, and I do not want to leave Santa Barbara (ah, I love it here) and I want to spend more time with Cortney.
I guess this leaves me feeling bitter-sweet. I would love to come back eventually. I had entertained the thought of moving here next year, and with this confirmation, I just might. It is just so strange to me how normal this all seemed. We had so much fun this weekend. I had more food on my clothing, more dirty diapers, more stains, more owies, more patience than in a long time. I heard more inappropriate/but funny words come out of five-year-old's mouths than I have heard my immature friends talk about. And I have seen more naked bodies running around, but I loved it. I experienced so many wonderful events from a Polo match to clubbing. Cort and I hit the night life, both our first times in the U.S.A. and it was an experience. We were amazed that every night we went out, we were the only straight people there. But, it was an experience. I peed in my first public place ever (a parking lot) and I had my favorite drink of all time ( a first) an applesauce shot. I also had never dressed five boys before and fed them, and got them all to bed. Woo. I am exhausted, but also energized. This weekend was better than I ever expected. And I am so sad to leave.
And on top of all this fun, to end the night, Cortney and I were chatting and from her lips comes a quotable phrase:
"I just want to cook for my husband and for him to be the King, and for me to be subservient."
Love it.

Read this when you are sober:

"It may after all be the bad habit of creative talents to invest themselves in pathological extremes that yield remarkable insights, but no durable way of life for those who cannot translate the physical wounds into significant art or thought".

Theodore Rosack

We forgot the names we used to know.

I take this lyric from one of my favorite Arcade Fire songs because it puts meaning to much of what I am feeling in these moments. I am about to head off for the summer to L.A. and then back to Arkansas. I feel both excited and nervous. I feel excited because I am seeing faces that have become unfamiliar. I am also going back to a family I miss, but I am also leaving one behind. These feelings all leave me a little jaded to say the least.
I know we all have to move on and we all have to push forward, but it is hard to make a motion when there are forces pushing in every direction. I have once again come to loving home. It is just where I realize that I feel comfortable, and after being here over two months, being here becomes home in itself.
This is the part in life I do not care for. I am tired of being transported from place to place. I want to settle down somewhere. I want to be in communion with my friends, but I also want to be with family. I cannot have both though. So here are the hard, and fast conclusions: I desperately want to be cradled at home because I miss them, but I also want to be with others I love.
A friend wrote, "I hate goodbye's". I am no good at them, so I hate them too. Tonight I watched T.V. with my dad, an evening staple, and I also packed with my mom, which made her feel like a mom. I am also going on our back porch tonight and looking at the stars. These were/are my goodbye's. Tomorrow is another adventure, and maybe then I'll be more ready to leave. But as for now, I will do the same as I did on the ferry today, I will just sit and reflect on how blessed I truly am.
Here is to another summer Seattle.
And in remembrance, I leave with one of my favorite lyrics, a lyric I discovered here:
"How roads must a man walk down before you call him a man? And how many seas must a white dove sail before she sleeps in the sand, and how many times must a cannonball fly before they are forever banned? The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind".

Thank you Bob.
Seattle, I love you.
Goodnight.

Freud by mother.

Today will go down in the history of obscure/wonderful things my mother has told me. We were going through my newly purchased underwear and I was remarking how "sexy" they looked, when all the sudden she chimed in these unforgettable words:

"Kelsey, keep it in your pants, skirts, or whatever".

I love my mother because she is just herself, and she never misses a beat.

re-mix.

Today I woke up and came downstairs only to find both parents sitting across from each other, using their computers. I took a second glance and realized that my bewilderment stemmed from an opposite scene far from what I was used to seeing: I expected me, the young adolescent, to be slaving away on my computer while they read this morning's paper. But no, they weren't. Instead, they were both typing to friends, which brings up a new idea I had. While I was sitting across from them dumbfounded, I realized that I should count the number of mothers who now use facebook. The numbers would astonish me.

So with all of this processing, I am left to conclude that my mom and dad are efficient in technology, and that my mom has a larger network than I do.And most importantly, I need to bring my computer next time to fit in.

summer findings

books.

This is the book that Ross and I just finished.
It is truly amazing.

1901.

I decided to title this blog after the phoenix song I am listening to while writing my post. And after listening to the lyrics, I couldn't agree more that this song most appropriately documents my life.

Alright, so last post was about wonderful Blue Moon, and this post will be about____ (Ugh, the Shins just came on. Hold on. It is hard to think with that sound in my ears. Forgive me all the Shin-lovers,their sound just doesn't do it for me.) As a side note, I just discovered Pandora. The jury is still out...

I suppose this blog has taken a random approach, and because Radiohead is now playing, I will get the grove on for this post. As of now, I am in the in-between stage of leaving Washington and leaving my family. Now, at twenty-one, I would love to admit this is something I am ready to do, which I am, but there is hesitancy. I realize that the minute I jump on that plane I am going into a year where there are some certainties, and then not some certainty. I know that when I get back I will be changing some things, meaning, I will be looking for a new place to live. I have some options; although, it is hard when you have too many. I am also going to be in my last year of school, which is hard to swallow. I have attended school since I was three. And last but not least, well, I can save that one. But at last the time is near, which is why I would love to highlight some incredible things I have done/learned/accomplished this summer:

1. learned: I am still a terrible person to keep in touch with.
2: I cannot make fettuccine Alfredo, but I can make many other delightful Italian dishes.
3. I can make mean scrambled eggs with cheese (this beats Waffle House's hash browns with the works)
4: I have missed my mom doing my laundry, but I need to buy a detergent that doesn't remove color.
5: I still have a ways to go on budgeting.
6: I can make any old man smile by telling him I have fresh coffee with some
alcohol.
7: Online classes are a pain, and I still procrastinate (that may never change).
8: I enjoy people more than I enjoy silence most days.
9: My music tastes are about as picky as my childhood eating habits. I seem to be more open to things these days.
10: Lady Gaga is my new muse for Halloween.
11: I tend to sing in restaurants, almost like Turrets.
Accomplished:
1. I hit my first deer.
2. I made more money than I have ever spent.
3. I made an art and craft that actually looked half-decent.
4. I gained more weight than I have in years.
5. I can do a long-distance relationship over a mobile phone.
6. I can drive a car without hitting the gas, while lodged on top of the sun roof.
7. My friends and I made special fruit watching youtube videos.
8. My hair is about 5 shades lighter.
9. I withstood one of the most uncomfortable medical examinations possible.
10. My boyfriend and I flew, and drove all over the world in one month.
11. I added my professor on facebook.
12. I have read over 10 books.
13. I can out-eat my dad, once again.


I am proud to say that this summer has been beautiful in the ups and the downs.
My only regret is that I did not experience some of this beauty sooner.
So today I sign off with Vampire Weekend.